Get Your Ex Back, Save Your Marriage And Stop Your Divorce

Not together anymore, but still sort of "together"

Hi Katarina,

After a while I decided to write to you again. I don't know if you remember me and my problem, so just to briefly summarize everything: I broke up with my guy more than a year ago and have gone through hell since then, to be plain. Our relationship ended after he came back from a vacation where he had cheated on me. I must admit that time does heal because it has gotten a bit easier. At first, I couldn't stand being alone even for five minutes. I was really a nervous wreck ...

Anyway, throughout this whole time we have kept in touch, through text messages, calls -- and at some point we were even fooling around again (having sex) ... I know it was a bit naive of me to think that would lead somewhere ... that he would actually come back ... of course he didn't ... So after a while we stopped doing this.

But the thing is that we both just can't let go ... The connection is just so damn strong! Neither of us have been with anyone else during this time (except for that guy I made out with during my summer trip to Ireland:)) ... He keeps saying I'm always on his mind, that he keeps comparing others with me, etc. We tried cutting off several times, but we only managed to stick to that for three weeks at the most. But what the real problem is is that he keeps switching between being "sweet and close" and "cold and distant" with me! I just can't handle this anymore! He's messing up with my head (and heart)!!

Despite everything (including the cheating) I just can't get angry with him!! I just don't get it! Because I can be so damn cold and distant with others, but when it comes to him -- no, he can do anything he wants to me ...

What I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure how to handle this situation anymore. I mean I still want him back, but I'm getting hurt again and again ... I must admit that at times I am pursuing him too much (being the first one to text him after a few days of no contact etc.), that I'm too available, and that he should be the main pursuer! But I just can't do it:) I'm trying to be angry at him, but then all of a sudden this warm feeling fills my heart when I think of him -- and that's it:) This really is like an addiction!

Can you give me any advice on how to make him more eager -- and serious about us?? Also, I feel this constant guilt inside because pretty much everyone around me (my family and friends) hate him for what he's done to me (cheating) -- and so I feel like I'm doing something wrong because I still love him and want him back:(

Please, help!!:)

Greetings from Slovenia,

Diana

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on January 28, 2012 at 9:51am

Diana, yes this is an addiction: an ex addiction. It's about our ego being hurt. It's often not about the other person 'cause deep down we know he's not good for us anyway (that's why we broke up in the first place, right?). You want the validation: being wanted, loved, chased and desired. Correct?

I know it because I've been in your shoes. What you need to do is for you to reflect on and work on your self-esteem and self-love. No one with self-esteem will allow others to treat you the way your ex does.

Meditate on it.

Help yourself. I've been doing daily self-hypnosis to deal with my issues. It really works.

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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on January 29, 2012 at 6:34am

Katarina, is it really about my ego? If I really only wanted to be loved and admired, then I would've turned my attention to other guys that have pursued me over this past year (there haven't been many, but still ...).

I just want him -- an that's it:) And it's not just me that feels this way. He's not happy about the situation either. He's afraid to commit again ... we both are. What if everything just repeats all over again?

And I've been working on myself a lot this past year. Went to see a therapist, who helped me a lot, I moved away, I'm doing a lot of interesting things, travel, ... So there's been an improvement since the breakup.

But I still feel that awful solitude at times ... I miss him, his "physical presence" and that's it ... And as I said, other men don't interest me. That's all there is to it:)

Best,

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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on January 29, 2012 at 9:49am

It's normal to want to feel wanted by the man you love. But if he's not treating you the way you deserve or want to be treated, you'd better think real hard about the time you're wasting over him.

You have to keep in mind the things that made you break up in the first place: the things that tick you off about him, how he fares short and will never change. How you wish him to be different. Keep that in mind the whole time. That's the only way you will see how silly it is for you to pine for him.

And he won't want to get back with you if you are always there for him. Live an exciting life separate from him. You have to for your own sanity. Do it now.

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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on January 29, 2012 at 11:30pm

Well, I am trying to "live an exciting life" because that's the only way to "survive", really.

What I also wanted to say is that the problem with me is that he was the only one that got so close to me. I don't know why, but I had been always very cold and distant with other men before him. And so now I think I just can't get anyone else that will "turn my world upside down" the way he did. You know what I mean? What I'm saying, I don't really have a lot of experience with other men, so now I'm just scared ... that I'll be alone for the rest of my life (If I can't have him, that's it for me). I know, silly ...

But I guess I'd rather be alone than with someone that doesn't treat me right ...