Get Your Ex Back, Save Your Marriage And Stop Your Divorce
Painful breakup
Hi Katarina,
I've just signed up for this forum because you replied to my post at the Powerful Intentions website. I'd just like to explain my situation first: I've been dating this guy for more than five years (and he is considerably younger than me -- I'm turning 30 in two months) and he was my first really really true love. I though of him as the love of my life. We've been having problems for quite a while now -- he didn't want to settle down, he wanted to experience more in his life on his own etc. he already wanted to break up with me a year ago and I just wouldn't allow it and told him I'd change etc. so then he finally went to Greece for a week in October and when he came back, broke up with me. He cheated on me with a girl there. And apparently he fell in love with this girl and is seeing her now, although she doesn't live close by. And this just hurts so much more!! I fell turned down. Plus he told me that throughout our relationship, he wasn't happy with our sex life -- that I was too stiff and passionless for him. But the thing is that we had sex once more after he came back from Greece -- at my initiative. and it was the best sex ever -- because I let all my emotions come out in the open for the first time in five years, apparently. He even said that. But that it was too late now ... And now he's all happy, doing things on his own, he even found a good job (he's still a student), and lost weight -- and all of this just makes things worse for me because he's turning into everything I've always wanted!!! God, can life really be so cruel? Looking back, I really was a bitch with him a lot of times, but he wasn't perfect either. Obviously ... But why the hell does it hurt so much? Because he was my first true big love? And I pictured spending my life with him? While on the contrary, he says that that was exactly he was afraid of -- spending the whole life with me ... I also have to say that our characters are really different -- he's very energetic, communicative, lively etc. and I'm very serious, think everything through ... (a Ram and a Capricorn). We've been talking a lot over our relationship, also from the viewpoint of the signs of the zodiac and astrology. he claims that we were both too dominant.
Anyway, it is me that can't cut him off -- I keep contacting him. he says that's n problem for him because he already got over me six months ago (!), but that we should stop keeping in touch for my sake. otherwise I just keep having these illusions ...
So, after hearing my story -- can this ever work again?? I do want him back, after everything he's done to me. One of his reasons for breaking up with me was also that everything was too secure with me -- he could do anything he wanted and I still wouldn't break up with him ... that it was too static for him.
So am I completely crazy? Or is this just a normal reaction after such a big loss? I know I have to work on myself now, but damn it's just so hard ...
Would appreciate any good advice at this point:)
LOVE,
D.
I've just signed up for this forum because you replied to my post at the Powerful Intentions website. I'd just like to explain my situation first: I've been dating this guy for more than five years (and he is considerably younger than me -- I'm turning 30 in two months) and he was my first really really true love. I though of him as the love of my life. We've been having problems for quite a while now -- he didn't want to settle down, he wanted to experience more in his life on his own etc. he already wanted to break up with me a year ago and I just wouldn't allow it and told him I'd change etc. so then he finally went to Greece for a week in October and when he came back, broke up with me. He cheated on me with a girl there. And apparently he fell in love with this girl and is seeing her now, although she doesn't live close by. And this just hurts so much more!! I fell turned down. Plus he told me that throughout our relationship, he wasn't happy with our sex life -- that I was too stiff and passionless for him. But the thing is that we had sex once more after he came back from Greece -- at my initiative. and it was the best sex ever -- because I let all my emotions come out in the open for the first time in five years, apparently. He even said that. But that it was too late now ... And now he's all happy, doing things on his own, he even found a good job (he's still a student), and lost weight -- and all of this just makes things worse for me because he's turning into everything I've always wanted!!! God, can life really be so cruel? Looking back, I really was a bitch with him a lot of times, but he wasn't perfect either. Obviously ... But why the hell does it hurt so much? Because he was my first true big love? And I pictured spending my life with him? While on the contrary, he says that that was exactly he was afraid of -- spending the whole life with me ... I also have to say that our characters are really different -- he's very energetic, communicative, lively etc. and I'm very serious, think everything through ... (a Ram and a Capricorn). We've been talking a lot over our relationship, also from the viewpoint of the signs of the zodiac and astrology. he claims that we were both too dominant.
Anyway, it is me that can't cut him off -- I keep contacting him. he says that's n problem for him because he already got over me six months ago (!), but that we should stop keeping in touch for my sake. otherwise I just keep having these illusions ...
So, after hearing my story -- can this ever work again?? I do want him back, after everything he's done to me. One of his reasons for breaking up with me was also that everything was too secure with me -- he could do anything he wanted and I still wouldn't break up with him ... that it was too static for him.
So am I completely crazy? Or is this just a normal reaction after such a big loss? I know I have to work on myself now, but damn it's just so hard ...
Would appreciate any good advice at this point:)
LOVE,
D.
Views: 4
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on -
Diana,
It is very painful what you're going through. And it is a normal reaction that you're clinging so hard and won't let go. The problem is the more you cling, the surer he's gone, the more you suffer.
So why hang on to the thing that is not yours? Let it go. Give him what he wants. You can't keep someone who doesn't want to be with you. And why do you want such a person anyway? Don't you think you deserve MUCH better than that? To be with someone who adores you and accepts you for who you are?
It hurts because you keep dwelling on what you have lost, not what you will gain (of course, naturally you can't see it now). You see how wonderful he is -he looks even better now-! All you are doing is just placing your energy onto him, because you are so lacking in self-love.
You don't care about your own self now. Your "self "needs you to love her first, cure her from all mental afflictions. But no, you're too busy looking to the other side and worrying about things you have absolutely NO control over. The only person you can change/have control over is yourself.
Start there.
It is painful right now, so while you can't skip this period, you can learn to accept that the sooner you let go the easier it becomes.
Remember, it's not necessarily him or your future happiness being in love you're giving up, but the clinginess and non peace of mind.
Calm your mind as much as you can. That's a baby step you need to take.
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on
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Read all the articles on this forum and absorb them. Take them to heart. No one gets their ex back by chasing them and bribing them. I did try too but that's not the relationship/person I want. I want a man who chases me. The only way he will do it is when he sees you in new light and you are too busy living your own life to care about anything beyond your control (him).
Try it and I promise you you'll be where I am now sooner than I got here.
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on -
I truly hope so, Katarina! I've just come back from a walk from his brother and we talked a lot about everything. I'm starting to finally get it that I have to let him go, because he really is beyond my control now ... And when I finally get some distance, I'll probably realize that he wasn't good for me anyway. But I have to get there first:)
Thanks for all the kind advice!!
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on
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Oh, I meant "from a walk WITH his brother":)
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on
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You're welcome. Update us again each day if you like. Make it like your journal where you put down your thoughts and feelings and struggle.
Good luck.
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on
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So, an update: I went away for a week and sort of felt better because of a change of scenery. But then it all came down on me again. Especially when I was driving back home in the rain yesterday. I just miss him so damn much, Katarina!! And all I want is get him back, although I know it's impossible and irrational at this point. He told me he finally realized what he had done and what he had brought about with all this but that what's done is done and can't be changed. That I have to forget him as soon as possible. I'm moving away next month -- I mean I want to at least be away during the week and work somewhere else (not stay at home all the time). I'll be renting an apartment in our capital city together with three other girls (I don't know them very well but I think that at this point all I need is some company to cheer me up -- so better than renting my own apartment).
So much for now ... Oh, I haven't read the articles on this forum yet (sorry, will do).
Best,
D.
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on
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Yes that's normal to miss him. Accept the feeling and let it go. Don't dwell on it. Breath it out. Do whatever helps you in the moment, sometimes when you are missing someone so bad and making you melancholic, thinking about his not-so-good traits will help you out of the mood. He's not perfect, think about things about him that annoyed you.
And think about the good things you will have being single and dating many great guys and find one who will sweep you off your feet. You won't remember him when you meet that guy.
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on
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I saw him this week and that's just made things even worse! When I actually see him, it hurts so much knowing he's not mine anymore. And he's so damn gorgeous!!:( We also talked on the phone afterwards, but that only makes things worse for me. I know, I'm making a mess of things ... Eh, am I totally hopeless?
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on
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Did you also sleep with him? Whose idea was it to meet?
Not hopeless. But right now, he doesn't find you very attractive because you're too available. Last night my husband really showed me how insecure he got when I left him alone without initiating contact. He won't actually say it but he's worried that I have really moved on. I told him he ignored me a few times in the past which he denied then apologized for, citing his own work/personal issues. He didn't mean to, he said.
So cause I was done feeling shitty I decided to stop all the callings. I said I didn't chase guys. He said I wouldn't be chasing but just tried to get what I needed (of course sex, in this case). He's lately had this kinky fantasy of me and with another guy (very atypical of him) simply just because he was curious how I would act with other guys. He said he wanted to see my face while doing it: is it the same as when I am with him? (slutty, like I love him, etc?) :) At the same time he's jealous too, I could tell.
I won. He wants me BAD. Meanwhile SG told me that he was dating while he could but none of these girls held a candle to me.
When you're a goddess, men will fawn all over you.
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on
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No, no, we didn't actually "meet", I just saw him passing my car. He wanted to stop and talk to me there, but I drove away. Then we talked on the phone, but only because I had sent him an email earlier ... I namely saw the Facebook profile of that girl he was with and told him about it. He said they've decided not to date, but maybe he's just telling me that to make me feel better. Although his brother also told me they weren't dating ... He also asked me why I am torturing myself like this, investigating, because I should know she wasn't the reason we split up. He feels bad seeing me hurt like this, but ... He told me he could come back but that it wouldn't be fair. Of course I know that, I'd only be hurt even more ... Oh, God, why do I want him back so badly, after everything that's happened?!
Also, having some distance now (although I'm not quite there yet), I'm well aware that our relationship wouldn't have worked out the way it was developing (or better: stagnating). Something would have had to be changed in any case. And he was just more aware of this than I was. And he made the move to split up, although he could have chosen a much better way to do it. I'm aware he's young and wants to experience a lot more in his life on his own -- and that's why I didn't fit into his plans (trying to settle down and him still being s student etc.). The thing is I've been really losing myself for the past two years -- lost my energy, and gave all of it to him and that was just too much for him to bear ... I'm well aware that I have to first "find" myself again ...
But why am I so caught up with hoping that maybe at some point in the future we could still be together?:( I really imagined my life with this particular guy and having kids with him (at some point).
D.
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Permalink Reply by Diana Lancet on
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Another update: he called me again yesterday evening to see how I was doing. He worries quite a lot. But is that just because he feels sorry for me? We talked for an hour and I also asked him about that. He said he does care and that he still loves me. And I said "yeah, you feel sorry for me" and he said "I still care about you quite a lot." And then he also said that he thinks about our last sex often (BTW, that was the greatest time we had together in five and a half years) and that kind of made me feel better. Or, again, am I being totally foolish? Because this just makes me hope again ... I'm aware we can't be together at this point because we both need some time apart to figure things out on our own. Although I guess keeping in touch doesn't really help? Or does it?
Maybe the problem is because I still love him and we're not on an equal footing -- he's calling me more or less as a friend?
Sorry, Katharina, I'm a total mess:) I just need an objective opinion I guess ...
Love,
D. -
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Permalink Reply by Katarina Phang on
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You can be just open when he comes to you with his feelings. Listen and absorb and then let it go. Move on.
The move on part is very important. That's what makes you more valuable in his eyes.
Mourn till you can't cry anymore as well. You need to grieve before you can move on. -
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