The breakdown of my relationship and loss of love

This is the story of what happened with my ex boyfriend and I, how we broke up, and why I think I would like to fix things with him:

Met my guy (ex) and it was completely different to anything I have ever experienced before. At the beginning of the relationship he was so lovely to me, so romantic and attentive and always made me no 1 priority. We had soooo much fun and laughed together, and he is a decent guy. My previous relationships havne't been healthy however I had done a lot of work on myself and feel that this was my first really good relationship. Sex and intimacy together was amazing too.

We fell for each other quickly, although I was the one holding back. After 6 months he wanted to move in to my flat (mine was the bigger flat of the two, his was too small for us both). I was dubious, it was too soon. However things were going so well, it seemed to make sense and if I am honest I was a little scared that if I said no I would lose him... ha ha, how ironic! So I guess that was mistake no 1!

After a while of living together lots of issues happened and our sex life began to suffer. He was really unhappy in my flat (which I loved, it was the first place I ever owned) so I had to chose between my flat and my relationship (or so I thought at the time). I chose my relationship, and we moved out. I could not settle at all in new place and became really unhappy/suffered with a touch of depression.

I was having a tough time and I am usually a very positive person. I lost touch with some of my friends, stopped doing as much for myself and lost some confidence. The fun in the relationship began o dwindle and it became all about work and mortgages. Needless to say this did not help the relationship. A downward spiral began. He tried to be supportive and it was not easy for him either when I was not happy. He began working all the time and became less and less involved in the relationship. I took a break from the relationship a couple of times and he always talked me into coming back. Because I loved him I did. We really loved each other.

Next thing I know it is 2 years later, we haven't been sleeping togeher for months (from his side), he has stopped planning any dates, goes out with work colleagues all the time but no longer invites me and I have lost myself!!! I have lost much of my self esteem and 'zing'. Tried hard to get it back and also tried hard to be better and do better for the relationship, but felt like I was fighting a losing battle (on my own as he had withdrawn). Finally I realised I had to save myself and do something to change the situation, otherwise it would go on and on and i was killing me inside. And that fact tha he didn't want to sleep with me or couldn't made me feel awful. And he wouldn't/couldn't talk about it.

So I left. I had to do it quickly so as not to lose my bottle. I told him I still loved him but I couldn't do the relationship on my own. He did not want to break up but I knew we could not go on the same way (I think he did too deep down). Over the next week he was in touch saying he would find a way to fix things and we would see a counsellor and so on... I really wanted too and told him I still loved him and wanted to work on the realtionship but that I would still move out. Then things got kinda messy and emotional. He became distant (said he was really struggling with everything) I became angry (because I felt like he was messing me around), there were a few bad conversations of me pouring my heart out and being generally emotional, crazy and pathetic, and pushing him to give me answers (which he did not have).

After a few weeks like this I knew enough to withdraw and save some self respect, so I spent a while bending my friend's ears about it, crying and struggling with my emotions (but stopped doing it in front of him).

I read everything on the internet I could find about dealing with a break-up, and getting your ex back and then came across T Dub's MOMU. I had been doing everything within my power to get myself back on an even keel and using all the techniques I knew, however this book made sense so I decided to give it a go.

I initiated a time of no contact and asked him not to contact me either. He has sent a couple of e-mails, which I did not reply to, however it has been a month now since I last spoke to him. I still miss him like crazy and think it is a terrible shame that we might have screwed up our chance, however I am strong in myself again and have my zing back!

I have had good days where I feel REALLY good and posiive and very difficult days where I've felt like the whole thing is an awful mistake, and sometimes very misplaced (having given up my flat AND then lost my relationship) although I do live my new place. At times like these it would be easy to slip into self pity, and I have a couple of times. But I am determined NOT to go down that route and I have to say I think I am going to be ok.

Sometimes recently I have felt like myself again, like the old me, kinda 'sparkly' energetic and happy, with a positive outlook. I am here to work on this and become a Goddess!

Whatever happens I care about him, so I wish him the best, with or without me (hopefully with) and I won't settle for something that is really not working...

As for right now I really want to focus on me. Also, I am ready to let go of my 'story' now. I realised today I am really sick of hearing it and saying it. I don't want to talk about my old relationship anymore. Although I still think about him all the time, I know I am getting stronger and I want to move on in my head. IF there is to be a reconcillation it can only take place under these cicumstances and when I can let go!!!! If there is not I want to be in a place where I can accept that gracefully.

I won't rush myself, yet I am here to move on, and maybe help some others to do the same. Anyway enough rambling now.

That is my relationship story. Thanks for listening (if you got this far! :-))

Missjcjc